My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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