I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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