Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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