It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
