I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
