Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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