my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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