Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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