the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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