You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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