That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
