id be glad to
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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