I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
