mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
