Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
