She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
