Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
