She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
