there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
