I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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