thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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