Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
