Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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