Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
