the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
