Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
