I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize