You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
