i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
