Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
