i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
