My liver just broke up with me...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
