Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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