how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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