but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize