I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
