If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
