its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
