no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize