I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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