nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
