I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize