there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
