no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
