Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up under a house in Key West
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