Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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