i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize