i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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