dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
