im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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