you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
