R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
where are my eyebrows?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
