woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
