I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
