life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize