I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
