I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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