Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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