if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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