I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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